I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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