I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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