My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
