You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm getting married
To pizza
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
