I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
