A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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