I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
