Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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