I look better un-naked...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i dont even know how to be here
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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