I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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