Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
