Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
