so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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