I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
