Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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