Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
