Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
and you fell through a lawn chair
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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