Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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