eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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