Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
