he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
