I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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