Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
