Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
