first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Enjoy the penises
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
