Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
