that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
