look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
