I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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