gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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