I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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