i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
