i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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