This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
