nut hugger
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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