It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
