You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
