it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
