I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
