She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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