Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize