Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
His hands were made for my vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
