Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
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