you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
