I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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