So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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