shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
