Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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