Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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