can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
