I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
