i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
