i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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