You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
