i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
