I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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