Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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