Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
