i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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