she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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