Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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