We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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